Dream Chronicles # 2

[Between the hours of 5 and 8]

I took my ex to somewhere my crush worked part time. This is a stupid thing to do, and I wonder myself, if it wasn't a mistake I made in the dream. There were more mistakes anyway.

I brought my ex flowers and she was with one of her male friends.

Midway into the meal she reaches for something across me, and I instinctively give her a peck on the ear. She drops the plate and makes a scene. I apologize and they leave.

I follow outside and he picks her up with a huge pick-up and they go to their place, which, incidentally, was next door. The way with dreams is when the journey matters, it happens far and fast or infinitely cyclic. But when the journey is as important as a single gentle and two-hundred and fifty pound human being to the rest of the world, the mind has the tendency of bridging those gaps.

In the dream, there are two parked vehicles I own. I think which to take home, the scooter or the car. I only have a scooter in that dream so I go for it. It's parked by the anonymous friend's mansion. As I walk up to it, he comes out asking to finish this. He pops me one in the face but, as expected, that did nothing, so I plant his face into the wall behind him with two fists and extreme prejudice.

So many things were wrong about that relationship, so it never took to water. Like so many things are wrong with people, so nobody's barely perfect. That doesn't mean I didn't love her with my entire being (and that's a lot of being). That doesn't mean that I don't still care. Like I said before, life is too long to spend with a jerk. If she ever ends up with an insecure jerk like that, I wouldn't mind doing her that last favor.

>to whom it may concern< >I love you and I wish you all the happiness in the world. Though I might not see your smile again, and I might never make you smile again, it helps to know you still do. And if thinking of me leaves your heart aching, then try not to think of me.<

It is done...

That's it! I'm done being a byte. So far, it's been a blast. I've gotten to know some very interesting people. I've successfully welcomed them into cursor and I'm left hoping they all get inducted and graduate.

Kudos to my eldest, Dan, now the Externals VP for the organization! I hope you're energy lasts through the life of your very last grandchild.

To the twins, Joy and Danielle, I hope you get good jobs and marry well. Life is too long to spend it with a jerk. I also know how it feels to just want somebody. So Urge you both to know what you want. Either you end up not wanting it anymore, or it gets to know you and starts wanting you as well. If both should occur in one instance though, I can assure you, It'll suck a lot.

To whom I consider a middle child, Perl, it's computer science, copping off the net isn't cheating, as long as you cite. I hope everything works out for you as well. Same thing goes. Take care of your heart, and no man is worth dying for and as far as you are a student, failing for.

To the youngest, Anacel, don't let cursor eat you alive. It's a bunch of friends when you need one, and a much needed leg up once in a while. It's important to know that right now, you don't owe it anything, and that you owe much more to yourself and the people back home. Choose well and live a full life.

Next sem, I intend to be a good Membership Committee Member (that didn't sound right) worth his salt. I can and will refine each applicant in their goals, keeping CURSOR a fundamental part of their plans, while continuing to give preferential to people of our line, and Aleth's.

Ya'll keep safe now!

Braces; Day 1

I can see why people go thin. I don't think it's the pain. I think eating just becomes such a chore. There's just so much trouble cleaning around them, and stuff gets stuck so easily. I'm looking forward to this experience. As far as I've gotten, I doesn't seem like it'll ever hurt. As for my fingers, they'll still be crossed

Na Naman

[I'm studying for my exam in CS 131 tomorrow. Here's to hoping it all turns out well]

My only real fear is monotony. It feels good to come to terms with that. I'm afraid of doing the same thing over and over again because I know how safe monotony makes me feel.

Sometimes I have dreams where all I try to do is wake up. In these dreams, I feel my head just stuck to the pillow, my breath permanently suspended. For the next minute, all I can think about is putting my finger in my throat and open my airway so I can breath and get enough energy to pull myself off of my pillow and out of sleep. I end up actually waking up, then falling asleep again, and going the same dream all over again. After these dreams, I just wake up exhausted.

I suppose that's why death seems so appealing. Seeing as I don't believe in an afterlife, death spares me, with finality, my fear of monotony.

I have to concede that COLOR IT RED put it best. It loathes me to admit this song brings me to tears:

Na Naman

Pipigilan ko ang araw sa paglubog
Dahil ayaw ko pang matulog
Dahil sa umaga paggising
Alimusal ko ay tapsilog

Na nana naman
nana naman
nana naman

Pipigilan ko ang araw sa pagsikat
Dahil sa iskol walang freecut
Dahil sa teacher kong subrang kunat
Ang grade ko ay tinarat

Na nana naman
nana naman
nana naman

Pipigilan ko ang araw sa paglubog
Dahil ayaw ko pang matulog
Dahil sa umaga paggising
Alimusal ko ay tapsilog

Na nana naman
nana naman
nana naman

Na nana naman
nana naman
nana naman

Suicide; A Reason for Living (pt 1)

When your ultimate goal in life is to die, the largest problem you encounter is that your goal gets in the way of everything in between. When procrastination is the only thing keeping you alive it's pretty hard to commit to the completion of anything.

I noticed this problem the first time I completed an RPG (Role Playing Game, easy enough). The first time I finished one, I felt devastated. I spent entire days leveling up and building my character, only to have the experience ended by some pansy final boss who just couldn't hang on a little longer. An entire lifetime had simply passed, and that made me sad. I suppose characters in games like those came close to real when you spent most of your time playing and the rest dreaming about playing. All in all, final victory meant an end – a death of sorts – beautiful in triumph all the while owing to be mourned.

Death didn't seem so bad after that. It seemed like the end of a game, I suppose. If you don't believe in an afterlife, then you simply don't expect to know who won. Reincarnation would turn life into another lousy MMO' (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). The promise of any other afterlife would just have you waiting for the next level.

I have no intention of killing myself. If I could get there by any other means, I wouldn't complain. It's just that the tween matters less and less. There are things I want to do but the reasons just dissipate like whispers in fog. I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone outside of my family or immediate circle of friends. I want to be someone somebody else needs, to trust in and depend on. I want to see people smile because of me, not because of what I do but because of what I mean. The truth of the matter is, I want to explore love. But if I just want to die then why?

Head Count?

... we're all still here. I don't know if I ought to be thankful. I saw a draft of mine from a while back, and it has been a while since i've tried to post. This is what it said:

"...huwaw, pasukan!

It's been the honest truth that the only reason I'm still around right now is because I'm needed.
I was hoping that might finally end before summer so rudely interrupted me. I want to die."

Things haven't much changed. I suppose there are new people around me. And there are some of the old people. They haven't changed, except for maybe the extra year of experience we have yet to account for. I'm graduating, hopefully, but I don't want to. I guess I need to.

The crick in my neck is telling me I'm too tired to live a full life when I do. I don't know why. I find that the most exhilarating part of my day is waking up from an exciting dream. How sad is that?

It's gotten boring around cursor. I could almost swear we used to do so much more stuff. I have another bit, 2 thesis mates, 2 196 group-mates, 4 173 group-mates, and an incomplete practicum group-mate. All this dependence I find myself clinging on to, feels like a subconscious will to live. It feels weird.

I've done myself the favor of analyzing the logic behind this subconscious urge to keep the clock ticking. There is none. I guess we'll see what happens. The stabbing pain in my chest stopped. I find its been replaced by a whistling hollow and a chronic itch I've yet to scratch.

Congratulations to my bodily faculties. Once more they have conspired, against my will, to keep people needing me, thereby keeping me alive. I rest on the assurance that no one can win them all.

I used to wonder if anybody out there would reciprocate the love I made an effort to spill so generously. Now I wonder if there is any love left to give. I find myself thinking more and more mean and evil thoughts about my friends and acquaintances. I despise this ill progression.

This incessant whistling is keeping me awake, I'd like to find a plug, thank you. Though I seriously doubt that it would help with the nihilistic trend I seem to have come across. I suppose it would keep me needed.