Suicide; A Reason for Living (pt 1)

When your ultimate goal in life is to die, the largest problem you encounter is that your goal gets in the way of everything in between. When procrastination is the only thing keeping you alive it's pretty hard to commit to the completion of anything.

I noticed this problem the first time I completed an RPG (Role Playing Game, easy enough). The first time I finished one, I felt devastated. I spent entire days leveling up and building my character, only to have the experience ended by some pansy final boss who just couldn't hang on a little longer. An entire lifetime had simply passed, and that made me sad. I suppose characters in games like those came close to real when you spent most of your time playing and the rest dreaming about playing. All in all, final victory meant an end – a death of sorts – beautiful in triumph all the while owing to be mourned.

Death didn't seem so bad after that. It seemed like the end of a game, I suppose. If you don't believe in an afterlife, then you simply don't expect to know who won. Reincarnation would turn life into another lousy MMO' (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game). The promise of any other afterlife would just have you waiting for the next level.

I have no intention of killing myself. If I could get there by any other means, I wouldn't complain. It's just that the tween matters less and less. There are things I want to do but the reasons just dissipate like whispers in fog. I want to have a meaningful relationship with someone outside of my family or immediate circle of friends. I want to be someone somebody else needs, to trust in and depend on. I want to see people smile because of me, not because of what I do but because of what I mean. The truth of the matter is, I want to explore love. But if I just want to die then why?