Counting Days (March 11-12am, 2007)

This is the first time I thought to write about it. "Why not?" sounded like a good enough reason. Then there was "how else?" So there.

What about my day is worth recounting? That's something else. Most of it was a bore.

I asked to count days with someone. Today, despite the immense effort with which I try to keep thoughts of her at bay, I thought about her a lot. I can't imagine where these thoughts come from, seeing as we've only met personally for five minutes. Most of it is wondering.

I write now, and I'll probably write everyday, from now to the end of March, with her in mind.

Apart from all that, I felt something again. And I spent a bit of the evening thinking about the physiological symptoms of loneliness. Akin to the feelings of regret, there is that weight in my chest. Maybe around that time, I might have missed substantial company — or maybe just company pertinent to my mood, or need, or sentiment.

There is that weight and there is a difficulty breathing. I don't think it was literal. It seemed illusory, nothing like respiratory stress. It was more like a tingling lack of will to drink in my atmosphere.

The only reason why I qualify it as loneliness, is because I couldn't understand why I felt it. There was no reason I could think of. Nothing I was currently considering could muster unbidden sadness like that. So I blame an absence. Of what? I don't know. Company? Loneliness then, but I really can't place my finger on it.

Right now, I'm wondering what teachers have left to do, after exam time; after checking the papers and giving grades. I'm wondering how she grades compositions. I'm wondering if she has an HR. I'm wondering what makes or breaks her day. I'm wondering how deeply she will ever miss her fondest students. I suppose that's a lot to wonder about. There's more. But, sincerely, I'm just interested.

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This being the first day I'm counting, I'd like to write retroactively. I feel a bit guilt browsing her pictures. Seeing her picture reminded me, how I was mildly upset that she had her hair ironed 'straight' for iCatching. If there's anything rare and wonderful, it's a lady who can carry curly hair well. I wish I'd seen that personally.

I'll probably write retroactively for a while. Hopefully, I can work up enough courage to tell her about this blog.

:D