Head Count?

... we're all still here. I don't know if I ought to be thankful. I saw a draft of mine from a while back, and it has been a while since i've tried to post. This is what it said:

"...huwaw, pasukan!

It's been the honest truth that the only reason I'm still around right now is because I'm needed.
I was hoping that might finally end before summer so rudely interrupted me. I want to die."

Things haven't much changed. I suppose there are new people around me. And there are some of the old people. They haven't changed, except for maybe the extra year of experience we have yet to account for. I'm graduating, hopefully, but I don't want to. I guess I need to.

The crick in my neck is telling me I'm too tired to live a full life when I do. I don't know why. I find that the most exhilarating part of my day is waking up from an exciting dream. How sad is that?

It's gotten boring around cursor. I could almost swear we used to do so much more stuff. I have another bit, 2 thesis mates, 2 196 group-mates, 4 173 group-mates, and an incomplete practicum group-mate. All this dependence I find myself clinging on to, feels like a subconscious will to live. It feels weird.

I've done myself the favor of analyzing the logic behind this subconscious urge to keep the clock ticking. There is none. I guess we'll see what happens. The stabbing pain in my chest stopped. I find its been replaced by a whistling hollow and a chronic itch I've yet to scratch.

Congratulations to my bodily faculties. Once more they have conspired, against my will, to keep people needing me, thereby keeping me alive. I rest on the assurance that no one can win them all.

I used to wonder if anybody out there would reciprocate the love I made an effort to spill so generously. Now I wonder if there is any love left to give. I find myself thinking more and more mean and evil thoughts about my friends and acquaintances. I despise this ill progression.

This incessant whistling is keeping me awake, I'd like to find a plug, thank you. Though I seriously doubt that it would help with the nihilistic trend I seem to have come across. I suppose it would keep me needed.